Over the last year, I’ve overcome many obstacles. Some of those obstacles where life-changing, many of them have left me heartbroken, confused, depressed, challenged, angry, disappointed, feeling worthless, lack of direction, and then I found my solid ground. My home.
My home was my focal point when havoc, drama, and chaos pulled me in every. single. direction. It was and still is, something that I deal with every day since.
Somedays I feel lonely and sad. I hide my tears from my family. I have even pushed my family members away. I’m embarrassed that my life has been turned upside down in a short years time. I lost my sense of worthiness. I began doubting myself as a woman and mother to my children while still trying to stay focused on the bigger picture which was purchasing a home last June.
You see for more than a years time, I’ve saved money and kept my credit scores a float. It took some work but I was determined. I was ready to become a new homeowner. A home that my four children would feel safe and grow up in. That was a priority to me. To put their needs first.
During the course of working on my credit, I started working on my husbands. I was determined to not let anyone or anything take away this dream that I already worked so hard on.
Things changed. My life changed. I accused my husband of cheating and talking to other women. In the midst of me working so tirelessly on my blog, keeping our finances together and credit, I noticed a change in him. A change in his behavior and it was not good.
Yes, I would accuse him of this wrongdoing but of course, a cheater; lies. They lie straight in your face. I’ve been with this man for 18 years. For the most part, I could read his mind half of the time. And he could read mine. But this selfish behavior would become more noticeable. Like; taking his phone in the bathroom, keeping his phone on his side of the bed, hanging over the bed while I slept or (pretending to sleep) while I knew, and saw him texting other women while laying in bed with me. I seen through his lies. Again and again, I would ask to see his phone. He would flip out, let me see it then demand to have it back. I knew his cheating ways would catch up to him and I would finally have proof to remove him out of my life.
Well, one of the most important days of our lives came, it was time to sign for our new home. It was exactly three days before my husbands birthday. This was an exciting time in all of our lives. My children couldn’t wait to choose paint colors for their walls, and I couldn’t wait to make this home mine. After all, I worked so hard to get it.
I would like to say July 3 is when karma made sure that I visually had proof of his cheating ways. It was only 2 weeks since we signed for our new home. After watching him send text messages on his phone, deny that he was doing no wrong, I asked to see his cellphone. I guess he didn’t realize and forgot to close an application because that’s when I saw conversations and photos being sent to other women.
Conversations that WE don’t say to each other even being with each other for over 18 years and 14 years married. I was horrified. Because over the course of our time together, I’ve caught him talking to other women over the internet before. He did it back then after we got married and after I had our first son together. And now many years later, he’s back to the same old game. I’ve been a fool!!!
I’ve always given him second chances because I believed in us. I believed that my family comes first and how much I loved this man.
Seriously, I freaked out!!!!! Being a proud woman and a GREAT mom and wife, I didn’t deserve any of this shit. I lost control of my life, my well being, my health and could no longer focus on my goals in life. Which was blogging and earning income for my family. Everything I worked so hard on, died. My spirit; gone. So I thought.
After a weeks time, my children wanted to see their father. So I agreed. I didn’t want them to hurt or feel left out. My husband and I spoke, I said that he needed help that I was open to going along with him as long as I got answers. Answers like why? Well, after speaking to a therapist, and yelling my brains out, I still wasn’t told why he continues to stray away. Why wasn’t I important enough to keep him focused on me?
Going back to that moment, after I kicked his ass out from learning about his cheating ways, I went to Facebook and tagged him in my post so everyone on his friends’ list including his own family and mine would know that our squeaky clean- “I love my beautiful family and wife” has been a lie. I’ve covered his mistakes for years and I’d be damn to look like the fool now. I was “done” with his games and I was tired of living a bullshit lie. My first thought was “this motherfucker” really doesn’t care about his family.
Needless to say, people noticed, they talked, and messages were sent to him right away. They questioned if my post on Facebook was a joke or truthful?
It was about time people knew the truth and would start looking at him as not such an angel, a great father and family man. Again, we were a happy loving family in the eyes of others but my soul was broken. Even now, even almost a year later, my soul aches, the falling tears that I hide still stings going down my cheeks. Until recently, I wanted to give up on life. Everything I tried to be was unachievable and not successful getting back to what I love which was blogging. I’ve gained weight from the high-stress levels. My body swells up with fluid. My hernia in my stomach is back because I gaining too much weight in a short period of time. Each morning I wake up to see new wrinkle added to my face and body. But here I am, I’m still here.
I guess what I’m saying is: What Makes a Happy Home?
It is from having all the riches in the world? Can a happy home be filled with lasting love? Could you be successful and still have a happy home?
What Makes a Happy Home?
Every day I wake up hoping for the best. Thinking of new ways to divert my upsetting thoughts into positive ones. Will my world ever be normal again? Can I love him again? Will I trust again? Is it time for me to move on? Am I still holding on to love? Am I wasting my time and years?
I’m sharing with you an inside look of what my life has been in the last 10 months. I do so with strength, courage, and hope that one day I can fully-forgive and be at peace with myself.
Thank you for taking the time to personally read this passage of my life. If you ever feel the same way, know that you’re never alone.